I wrote this in the wee hours this morning, then decided not to post it. It was a decision motivated by fear. I didn’t want to feel exposed or make myself vulnerable. I’ve been feeling that a lot lately.
So, I’m gonna slap that in the face by posting it here anyway:
I’m waiting for news. News about whether my 3rd and final callback for Killer Queen in the first national tour of We Will Rock You got me the part.
It was an amazing, surreal day, last Friday. There were 18 people in the room…among them, famed guitarist Brian May and drummer Roger Taylor from Queen, director Ben Elton and…wait for it…ROBERT DE NIRO.
I sang and acted in front of Robert de Niro.
He’s one of the producers on the project, along with his business partner, Jane Rosenthal, who was there also.
It’s the wee hours of the morning, I’ve deconstructed and dissected and replayed the whole experience I don’t know how many times since my 12:10 appointment last Friday.
I know I delivered the goods. It felt amazing to go in there, do my thing, not be fazed by Bobby (ha!)—and to feel like I belonged there. That I had every right to be there.
And now I sit on the bathroom floor at 2:40 in the morning, trying to be rational about the whole thing. Working to let this go and remind myself that God is still in control, He still has my back no matter what. God, I want this. I need this.
This job would be a game changer. It would improve life on so many levels…a steady paycheck for awhile, some real visibility, a solid way to establish myself professionally here on land. Finally. I’m so ready for a renewed sense of self worth, for renewed self esteem-they’ve both taken a beating. Feeling beat down that way, makes me want to pull in, and protect myself by withdrawing…which only leads to inactivity and keeps the cycle going. Fear is an insidious bastard.
It’s tough to stay positive sometimes. It just is.